Been thinking a lot recently, mostly self-reflecting. From arguments with close friends and conversation with an old pal, you begin to question a lot about yourself. “Ah, it must have been tough for other people to tolerate with me”, but at the same time why would you change for the sake of their comments? Which makes you think if you always care about people’s opinion about you, does that mean you only think of yourself? Because everything in your head starts with “I”.
“As if the world revolves around you.”
After an argument, confrontation, and reconciliation, it’s naive to think nothing will change. You began to act carefully, to not be who you were, who might hurt people you care about. Constantly having to remind yourself and having thoughts like that makes you no longer happy, because deep down you are very anxious about every word and action you’re about to take; afraid the history might repeat. And now, you just constantly question your feeling of being left out and less likable, whether it’s true or you have overthought.
Realise what a terrible person you are made you really sorry and apologetic to people you have hurt in the past and yet too coward to say sorry. You do not feel deserve for all the love you have received. You once thought the one who constantly makes efforts will eventually wear out and unhappy but the truth is, you’re burdened from everything you have received because you couldn’t repay them equally.
So many things going on in my mind recently but I have no one to talk about them. Will things be okay if I ignore them or eventually screw up because I’m not doing anything?
I want to be perfect not that horrible person, without losing myself. But what if being a horrible person is what makes me, me?
I’m being self-centered again, isn’t it…
A year has passed and 2017 was an amazing year and kind to me. I’ve traveled to a few places, had fun in music festivals and other social occasions also met a couple of good friends. I’m just too lazy to write everything here since all are updated on my Instagram anyway (Instagram make me even lazier to write a post👀).
Looking back at last year resolution, though I did not fulfill all of them it’s great to trace back what I wished to achieve last year. So finally, I decided to pen down my this year resolution.
1. Travel to Korea
I started to think about this routine of one year travel to a budget country, then the next year to a cant-really-budget country. I’ve been wanting to visit Korea and Japan, but I’m gonna put Korea on my bucket list, hoping to attend my favourite boy group’s concert if there’s any. So I really need a better financial plan since non-promotion flight ticket going to cost at least $300.
2. Eliminate Debt & Better Financial Planning
I certainly don’t expect I would master the skill of financial planning in just one year, which is why this year is sort of like a ‘Saving 2.0’ thingy. Last year, I hardly managed to save up for 2 trips and a few concerts and music festival. This year, aside from saving up for my No.1 Goal,☝️ I’m hoping to save up at least one-month of an emergency fund as well (since I’m turning 25 this year: more responsibility), in which I’ve started contributing a monthly fixed saving and set up recurring payment; no more excuses for late payment or keep checking saving account.
3. Read More
Last year, I’ve set to not buy any new books until I finish what I haven’t. The good thing is I managed to not purchase any new books but I did not finish my books yet. It was around last quarter of the year, I got addicted to mobile games and the majority of my time spent on mobile games. Regardless of how many books I’ll finish this year, the serious addiction in mobile games has to stop.
Time passed without noticing we are stepping in September. Tried to fill up the schedule, spending most of the time on work, surrounded by work-related stuff and people to the point when you paused for a minute and realize you have nothing except work.
Working hard, building the relationship with colleagues yet at this point, it feels like I’m going into hiatus and being a bit mental it’s tiring myself out too. I know we need to find a way to feel inspired hoping to see life the different way.
Constantly feeling like you’re the left out one instead of learning to accept things as the way they are, is a chronic disease to the mental health. We care too much about other people, about where can we fit without realizing that you don’t have to try hard to fit in. Maybe you’re being sensitive at the moment, maybe it’s true that sometimes things weren’t meant for your either but it’s absolutely not a big deal. Take a chill pill and step back for a moment; stop rushing.
Afterall, it’s always about taking a break to communicate with yourself and remind yourself that everything is momentary; just breathe. You have you, is enough.
Bookmark: The Most Important Lesson I Learned During My Social Media Detox
“I think I’m partying so much because I’m just dreading sitting at home by myself hearing my thoughts hit the walls.” – Lorde
Second week of new job. Upbeat energy running low.
Not a bad way of draining; the people are quite nice. (Saying this as an ambivert.)
It’s hard to blend in a big group, cuz naturally survives better in small group instead. So when there are a few extroverts in the group, in an environment that I’m not familiar with, I just tend to back out.
I can hardly warm up myself to people. Not sure if I want to change this. But for now, I guess I’ll just be cold to people who are cold to me.