2013 Confession

The habit of updating my blog after midnight, I don’t know why exactly but I actually wanted to cut down on the amount of posts because seems like I’ve been posting quite a lot. I think the spirit of spamming lies within me loll. Alright so today’s first post is dedicated to someone, which I’ve sort of inspired to write a reply post after read what someone wrote. I’m glad you’ve said about it though just roughly mentioned. And I’ve always thought being honest & confront with each other is important.

Someone once said that we’re actually much alike with each other, I agreed with him, not the fact of appearance of course. But I know I’m much worse, yet I’ve sort of taken people for granted? Maybe. Thanks a lot of people I met this year, they made me realized how terrible I am. A very bad temper person, basically mood and feelings take control of my life. Sensitive, well, I can’t deny anymore, but then I believe most of the girls are sensitive ok!! Hhaha. Just maybe I’m a little bit over :/

The worse part is I’m 23/6 mood swing, moonface (not sure if I should tag her lol) said I’m bipolar, this is scary so I won’t admit that wtf, so I’m easily pissed off of little things. People might say I’m over sensitive, but probably they aren’t me, they do not know what kind of background and experience I have grown up with, at this point, I think you’ll agree with me lol. But now, I’m learning to change step by step. Not that to purposely please anyone, but simply “I should”.

So before I’m aware that I’m such a terrible person, I pissed off randomly, frequently, without considering the feelings of people around me. I believe that was a tough period to bear with my temper and attitude. And that’s why I think that’s the reason why we suddenly stop talking, it’s like our tacit agreement wtf. Then slowly I hang out more often with my own course mate and nowadays they seem to be the only circle I have to be hanging around with. *cry* *love* Thanks for tolerating with me TT

Soon then you’re getting closer and friendlier with her, you-know-who, my jealousy comes. You knew we were once very good friend, then I brought her to you, then my best friends are best friends of each other wtf. This is certainly not a pleasant feeling ok I experienced before ok. Intro friend A to B then A and B became good friends, then I’m nothing after that. Yea, probably should listen to Elaine, I should be a matchmaker, I can be successful one I think. Pffffff 

I’m not someone who really knows how to express my own feelings, I think it’s my horoscope thing lol. So even after I argued with her, I never take any action to reconcile the friendship, and neither with you, after that you both also very friendly with each other d. Pissed off, jealousy killed me. -_- At that point, I believe the law of attraction, negative one :x ky said, perhaps both of you are the pretty girls, optimistic, well behave type attracted each other, while I’m the opposite type. A totally opposite type fml. The day we all really talked, I actually felt awkward as hell. Which kinda sadden me, how all these turned out to be in that way? But I guess now it’s not that bad anyway, at least we both know there’s something wrong with our friendship, and obviously we’re the type that we appreciate our friends as much as we appreciate out lover or family, and there’s still chances to not letting the scenario get worse when we do hope we can be good friend again.

But honestly (or pessimistically), I don’t think things can get back to how it used to be, even you fixed a broken vase, there’ll still be cracked. Somehow, cracks should be a positive sign, something that proved it’s broken before, and now it was fixed. I can’t tell if I’m still being able to meet you both and act nothing ever happened in coming days or months, but what I know is, I’m glad I was once you both’s good friend. Or it’s only my naive thinking? 

I know I never was the priority of anyone else or being known as the best friend of anyone, but at least I felt being treated kind before. When I need somebody, either of you is the one who’s there for me when nobody else does. You can have a lot of good friends, but maybe you’re none a best friend of anyone. Attests that’s what I feel. There are people who’re close to you but you are never something for them. It’s a matter of fact, not feelings. When time goes by, it didn’t change the fact that no matter how sincere you are, you’re just a backup plan, or the no.xx friends of them. There’s nothing you can do beside of being ignorant. 

Life is hard, to survive is to please everyone, pretend someone who everyone like, nowadays I wouldn’t say it’s fake, I’d say it’s a self protection. I need, but I won’t, I just can’t fake to be someone that isn’t me at all. So I distance myself from people instead. “Be the worse you can be”. Those who matter won’t mind who you are, what kind of personalities you’re having, of course I’ve learnt that do not ever take granted of these people. 

For whoever that couldn’t accept who I am, goodbye. I neither wanted to change my attitude/personalities nor seeing you pretending to be totally okay with me. Being terrible isn’t that bad after all, you’ll know who’s the one worth to be kept. Even if I’m all alone eventually, at least I’m not against my own principle, be myself. We’re all individuals with different thoughts and different perspective, as long as I think I’m right, with a present of rational thinking, I should care opinions of no one. #me Being left out, the story of my life. It’s true, but it also indicates they’re having different perspective & personalities with me. At this moment I still do believe myself I’ve made the right decision, leave them. 

Life is all about making choices & facing challenges, you’re the who gonna decide who you wanted to be. If you think you’re right, not under control anyone or emotion, in a completely sober and rational, careful consideration, just go ahead. This is your life.

“因為最真實的你是沒有人能接受得到的你”

那又怎樣了,我已失去一切 我還有什麼不能失去的 .

Learning to change, not only because I need to, but I should, for people of being kind to me, who seen my true colors and still chose to stay. Sincere thanks to each and every one of whom I met, some are blessed and some are lesson, either of it, they made you become someone stronger.

[ This post was initially update in Dayre, A new micro-blogging apps. Feel feel to follow me at @christyxoxo93 . It’s available to download in the App store and Google Play. http://dayre.me/ ]

 

 

Countdown to the end of 2013.

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